Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Is it only me?

Throughout my life and in everything I do, I worry about being judged.  What will they think of me?  

This is the hardest part of writing.  You want to be well received but the only way to learn if what you are doing is right or wrong is to put your work out there for criticism or praise.  

At work, during my lunch break, I have a good half hour where I could get on with my writing but paranoia kicks in.  What if somebody sees what I'm writing? I imagine people laughing behind my backs at the soppy lines in a romance or thinking I need to be locked up for a dark and twisty horror.  

At home, there are so many distractions during the day.  My toddler demanding my attention and a ton of housework that is constantly put off.  Then in the evenings, I am either shattered or feel I should invest sometime in my husband because... Well, if we didn't want to spend time together then we may as well be divorced.  On top of that I try to fit my friends in.  It doesn't leave much scope in my schedule for writing.  

I don't know about you but once I finally sit at a computer i find that a distraction in itself. My online friends pop up on instant messenger and I start researching to get facts right or build inspiration.  I can spend a good 20 minutes choosing a character name or over an hour on a book cover.  Then there is re-reading what I last wrote to get myself back into the story and next I catch myself editing and cutting stuff out!  If I get the chance to write, I could end up with less text than I started!  

Maybe it all still counts as writing.  It's all part of the process but if just doesn't feel productive.  

I wonder if other writers suffer the same lack of confidence that I do.  If they too are shy of people knowing about their passion and imagination.  Do they find themselves desperate to write but conflicted by other commitments and lost to procrastination.  

Writing is a lonely hobbie.  I've joined several social communities but feel like a fraud to admit my struggles. Like I've failed before even getting published.  I never approach the subject with them and they never raise it either.  Maybe they feel ashamed too and fear the torches and pitch forks if they were ever discovered.  But it leaves me wondering "Is it only me?"